


The journal of Eren Jaeger

by SmugCake



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-25
Updated: 2013-10-06
Packaged: 2017-12-27 14:21:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/979944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmugCake/pseuds/SmugCake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being a 17-year old highschool student can be a pain, when you have a disgusting roommate who crushes on your step-sister, said step-sister beating the crap out of you, your best friend getting more ass than you do, a teacher whose actually quite interested in you and a sadistic school principal. Eren Jaeger discusses and rants about his life through his journal. Welcome to The journal of Eren Jaeger.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The day I lost my sanity

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be utter and complete nonsense. Bear with me!

**Google Docs. V.10.1 – Auto-save activated**

** 001 Compulsory blog – November 2, 2013 - 11:15 PM  **

There are many things I could be doing right now. For all you cared I could be having my hand down my pants, jacking it to Gary Jules’ _Mad world_ while I try to understand the meaning of life. OR I could actually be doing very meaningful things like discover a cure for cancer, praise world peace or fight hunger in the world. Little is true and I’m actually stuck writing some sticky blog entries for the upcoming school year.

With this _lovely_ anecdote which probably made me piss myself more than anyone else would, I am now going to act as if I am at a job interview, trying to sell myself as a wage slave;

My name is Eren Jaeger, my life is hell.

There are a few things I want to state before actually commencing as I feel the need to remind myself of the things I used to hate when I happen to come across this school project in the future (note: probably not.)

  1. People forcing me to use coasters
  2. Jean Kirschstein
  3. My PC lagging whenever I try to play COD Black Ops 2
  4. Mikasa going on about _HOW AMAZING APPLE MACBOOK IS_ (… fuck you games aren’t for that piece of garbage technology)
  5. Jean Kirschstein
  6. Mom preventing me from joining the army instead of “trying to get a degree”.  I don’t even know I’m smart enough to actually get into college.
  7. Mikasa actually stating that I will never get into college with this attitude.
  8. Mr Levi giving me this stupid assignment
  9. Jersey shore
  10. Did I already mention **_JEAN KIRSCHSTEIN_**?!



Dude he pisses me off. Always crampin’ my style. The other day I found him jacking it pressing a pair of panties I SWEAR TO GOD BELONGED TO MIKASA rubbing against his horse face. I’m not sure what grossed me out more; him jacking it, or his face when he came.

I didn’t sleep that night.

Sure I know that it’s something natural, that pubescent  boys had their moments where they needed to just “blow off some steam”..

**BUT HE WAS FAPPIN’ IT RIGHT BELOW ME!**

I hate bunk beds. That will be #11 on my _things I hate_ -list. And Jean will be #12..

  -

Mikasa woke me up that morning, waaaaaay to early if you ask me! (I overslept because I couldn’t get the picture of Jean jerking it.) “Eren, roll call has already started, where are you?” Who was she, my mom? Honestly when I signed up for the dorm rooms I thought I’d finally get a break and slack a little.

“For fuck’s sake I just woke up.”

“That’s the third time this week already!”

I let out the most sleep-deprived sigh I could possibly let out and let myself flop back on the bed. Well I couldn’t help Mikasa being the straight A-goody two shoes student now, could I? “Stop being so pissy about it, I’m gonna stay in bed today.”

“Well you better not forget about Armin’s birthday tonight.. I swear I’m going to murder you if you don’t show up.” There it was, that menacing way of threatening me to go somewhere. As if I was going to forget about my best friends’ birthday anyway!

**-**

I showed up at Armin’s house two hours late.

After getting a phone call from Mikasa where she basically said she’d rip my dick off and shove it down my throat … I actually made sure I would arrive just before Mikasa could call me again and tell me more horrible things she would have in store for me.

I decided to app Armin beforehand, which made the situation much and much better;

 **Eren Jaeger:** Armin mah bruder, I’m gon be late 2night

 **Armin Arlert:** You know Mikasa is on a killing spree right now, don’t you?

 **Eren Jaeger:** Chillax! Not like she’s gon do anything!

 **Armin Arlert:** Eren I swear she’s losing herself. Please just hurry up.

 **Armin Arlert:** She flipped Jean over.

 **Armin Arlert:** Eren she’s going to lose it!

 **Armin Arlert:** EREN CALL AN AMBULANCE OMG!

 **Armin Arlert:** EREN?!

 **Eren Jaeger** : Huh? Sorry was watching Breaking Bad, sup?

 **Armin Arlert:** FOR FUCK’S SAKE EREN GET THE FUCK OVER HERE.

 

In the end Armin was just exaggerating. Hurried for nothing – _rude_.

 

The funniest part of all this was Jean being beaten up. I guess purple matches perfectly with his eyes.

-

**Google Docs. V.10.1 – Auto-save activated**

** 002 Armin’s killer party – November 4, 2013 - 02:46 PM  **

Annie hasn’t responded to my messages in 2 hours. BUT I SEE WHENEVER SHE’S ONLINE, IS SHE IGNORING ME?!

Well maybe my flirtatious joke about her giant ass nose wasn’t the most gentleman-like but hey, girls want guys to be honest, right? And there we nearly made it to second base, fuck I nearly just got my hand down her panties when my stupid mouth started to live a life of its own, spewing the most non-romantic “compliments”.

She told me she’d castrate me and haven’t heard of her since.

Bitch.

Anyways Armin’s birthday was wack. There were like girls everywhere which I had never expected since Armin’s the male reincarnation of the Virgin Mary – I doubt he’s even had his first kiss yes! Apparently all those girls just see him like one of those cute gay dudes who like to go shopping with them.

_He’s a genius._

Though I still wished Annie and I had gotten it off. This is how it went;

She kissed me.

I kissed her back.

Her hands pulled my hair – feisty minx.

I kissed the living daily lights out of her.

She said something about “going somewhere private” yet then I blurted out that her nose was grotesque.

_“Did you know your nose is fucking huge?”_

She beat me up.

Now I’m on the same loser level as Jean is after getting beaten up by Mikasa. Which is still funny as hell.

I’ll just make up something like; yeah guys I got into a fight, was pretty bad but I showed the fucker!

If Annie hasn’t told the entire school already.

-

“Hey Jean, Eren told me you stole a pair of my panties.” Nothing feels better than being a snitch and ruin Jean’s life. The way his face coloured red was the best thing I’d ever seen and made me forget a little about my flop with Annie the other night.

Jean tried to deny it with all his might, stuttering like a little bitch. “I .. I don’t know what you ehmm.. talking about Mikasa!”

“It must’ve been a mistake Mikasa.” Marco, Jean’s little bitch who I think is madly in love with him, tried to talk the horse face out of it. If Armin wouldn’t have existed Marco would fit the part of the Holy Virgin Mary weren’t it that the girls in his class nickname him _“Freckled Jesus”_.. “How are you sure Eren isn’t just making things up?”

Excuse me?! I was the one experiencing Jean’s “Mikasa time” and haven’t been able to sleep that night! I am scarred for the rest of my life! 

The rest of the day Mikasa kept eyeing Jean suspiciously.

But I had better things to do than caring about Jean getting busted. He would surely hide her panties for life now.

-

Mr Levi sent me to detention during his class – for sleeping in and not showing up in class yesterday. Since I didn’t feel like doing any homework I started to make a list of the people I hang out with in school, and my thoughts about them.

  1. Mikasa Ackermann – Step-sister, will kung-fu your ass, woops ass, hates Jean Kirschstein as much as I do. Part-time mom.
  2. Armin Arlert – Virgin Mary by day, secret pimp by night. I heard he possibility he’s gay --> 99.99%. Fucking smart
  3. Annie Leonhart – HOT DAMN. Her nose though.
  4. Jean Kirschstein – The horse face I want to smother with a pillow.
  5. Marco Bodt – Freckled Jesus (I even drew a doodle of him in the form of Jesus)
  6. Reiner Braun – Bara-man, secretly hot for Bertholdt.
  7. Bertholdt Hoover – I don’t even know who he is, he’s even worse than that Charlie from Perks of being a wall flower. So awkward.
  8. Christa Lenz – I don’t dare to get close to her because Ymir is pretty much gushing over her.
  9. Ymir – Lesbian.
  10. Sasha Braus – She eats a lot. One time I found her in the cafeteria with her plate full of potatoes… damn she sure loves her potatoes.
  11. Connie Springer – Don’t know him that well only that he’s a friend of Jean’s and prematurely bald.



Once I had the list all set I forgot probably the most important person on there;

  1. Eren Jaeger – fucking badass. 




	2. Horsing around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren is sexually frustrated, Mikasa only cries free, and Armin goes on "study dates" with Jean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Due to popular demand I'm actually continuing this. Wow.

**Program:** Whatsapp  
 **Participants within software:** Eren Jaeger, Mikasa Ackermann, Armin Arlert  
 **Date:** 6-11-2013

 **Eren:** SO WE START THIS MEETING WITH THE ORDER OFF THE DAY  
 **Eren:** What is the most effective way to kill Jean?  
 **Armin** : I thought we were going to discuss Algebra tonight?  
 **Mikasa:** I’m actually intrigued by Eren’s passionate anger, please continue.  
 **Eren:** Finally someone who understands me :’( I’m touched  
 **Armin** : Seriously you guys, Miss Hanji will kill us instead if we don’t complete these assignment before tomorrow!  
 **Eren:** ANYWAYS, what I was planning is to slowly and gently drive him insane. Think about it, what’s more terrible than having a disgusting roommate?  
 **Mikasa:** You’re probably the living proof of having a disgusting roommate.  
 **Eren:** Fuck you Mikasa!  >:I  
 **Armin** : … You guys  
 **Mikasa:** It’s a miracle you haven’t fled yourself yet. And too bad you haven’t been able to masturbate properly with horse face around. Even more now Annie’s clearly not longer interested in you anymore.  
 **Eren:** SHUT UP MIKASA!

_Armin added Jean Kirschstein to the conversation._

**Jean:** Hey guys!  
 **Jean:** Armin told me you were doing Algebra, I’m kinda stuck on exercise 9  
 **Eren:** ….  
 **Mikasa:** …..  
 **Armin:** Yeah, but we were going to look at the equations first..  
 **Mikasa:** Those were tricky.  
 **Jean:** I'd like to plug my solution into your equation. ;)  
 **Mikasa:** ….  
 **Armin:** ….  
 **Eren:** Dude..  
 **Jean:** Awh c’mon, it’s just a joke.

_Mikasa deleted Jean Kirschstein from the conversation._

**Mikasa:** Armin I swear to God the next time you pull this off I’m going to strangle you.  
 **Armin** : Y-Yes m’am!

-

 

**Google Docs. V.10.1 – Auto-save activated**

** 003 Horsing around – November 7, 2013 - 08:23 PM **

**Listening:** Trift Shop - Macklemore

The morning I got to school all girls in my group of friends (with Ymir being a clear exception) were in the most gloomy moo today. And when I asked Mikasa why she looked like she was about to cry she said only one thing;

_“Eren… I only cry Free.”_

I almost forgot that show existed and I had hope to have had it erased from my memory forever. Next thing you know they’ll be wailing about how much the main characters should have gay sex and conceive babies.

I’m pretty sure science isn’t ready for that yet.

After last night’s failed study session, because honestly after Jean’s lame math joke the last thing I wanted to do was think of solutions to equations as they gave me the most horrendous visuals.

And Jean pretty much begged me to add him back to the conversation, it went something like this;

I sat down just being awesome.

Then the horse face wrapped his arms around my neck, rather tightly I thought I was going to die..

I told him to piss off.

He told me to add him back.

I was like HELL NAW SON U FUGLY SO GTFO (just imagine how awesome it would’ve sounded if you would’ve heard!)

He nearly began to cry.

I told him no.

That’s when he resulted to his bed where he started to listen “Big Girls don’t cry” by Fergie. How do I know? I miiiiiiiight just know what sappy love stinks music he listens too. And his volume was loud enough for me to hear. – Sappy bitch.

OH AND BIG SAPPY NEWS FLASH!

Armin’s soooooo getting laid! There has been a rumour going around our cute little hunbun is going to get his V-card removed.

The only question though, WHO IS GOING TO BE ON TOP?!

I’m sure Armin’s the kind of guy the girls flail about in their swimming anime, one of those cute little brother type of characters. Aren’t they usually dubbed as the “bottom”?

Why am I even thinking about that?! I’m still trying to get in contact with Annie. Yesterday I nearly bumped into her on the way to chemistry class – man does a school uniform look damn fine on that little minx.

Sadly she didn’t even granted me a look – even a _frown_ would have sufficed! Ughhh she could at least cut me some slack! I even apologized over and over to her!

 **Program:** Whatsapp  
 **Participants within software:** Eren Jaeger, Annie Leonhart  
 **Date:** 7-11-2013

 **Eren** : Annie, I’m sorry about what happened the other day.  
 **Eren:** like, really REALLY sorry!  
 **Eren:** WHAT DO I NEED TO DO TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU?!  
 **Eren:** Annie pls.  
 **Eren:** Your nose looks BEAUTIFUL on you oky?!

_Annie has blocked you._

**Eren:** WELL THEN FUCK YOU YOU SKANK!

Life is hard isn’t it? I just want to get laid real bad cuz Armin’s actually getting laid more than I do on this very moment.

I wonder where horse face went though…

He just kinda suspiciously left about an hour ago….

….

NAH I’M PROBABLY OVERTHINKING THINGS! I know what will help me, playing some Battlefield!

-

Ymir heard a rumour yesterday. Ymir hears rumours a lot so we weren’t quite sure if we should believe anything she would spew out of her mouth. Well she usually didn’t speak much, except to maybe Christa.  But the rumour was that she’d heard Armin had spent the evening with Jean..

Wait, wait wait wait a minute! HOLD YOUR HORSES! (hahah see what I did there?) _Armin_ was hanging with _Jean_ last night?

On the night he was supposedly getting laid?

A sudden rush of  nausea came over me. With my hand covering my mouth a took a sprint to the nearest toilet. There went my $5 lunch.. But honestly, Armin and _Jean_ …

Armin.. and **_Jean_** …

ARMIN AND MOTHERFUCKING **JEAN?!**

I didn’t want to believe it, I didn’t even want to imagine them sexual engaging with each-

EW JUST THE THOUGHT OF IT MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT AGAIN.

I decided to send Armin a very well meant and worrisome email. Like a father would once her daughter would get deflowered… Do girls tell their dads?

 **from** : “Eren Jaeger” <moveslikejaeger@gmail.com>

 **to** : “Armin Arlert” <blondywiththebrains@gmail.com>

 **date** : 8 – 11 - 2013

 **subject** : WHATCHU DOIN WITH HORSEFACE NOW ARMIN?!

 **mailed-by** : gmail.com

 

Dude. You know I’ve always told you that… No matter gay, straight or bi, Lesbian transgender-life. You’re on the right track baby.

But please don’t fuck with Jean. Don’t give him the satisfaction of raping your behind. I know that in about 3 countries bestiality isn’t a sin but PLEASE DON’T MAKE HIM MOUNT YOU OKAY? NOT COOL!

Kind regards your worrisome best friend.

Awesome Jaeger.

 **from** : “Armin Arlert” <blondywiththebrains@gmail.com>

 **to** : “Eren Jaeger” <moveslikejaeger@gmail.com>

 **date** : 8 – 11 - 2013

 **subject** : Re: WHATCHU DOIN WITH HORSEFACE NOW ARMIN?!

 **mailed-by** : gmail.com

 

What the hell. Did you smoke one or are you actually just spewing complete nonsense?

Jean and I were having a study date. None of your business!

 **from** : “Eren Jaeger” <moveslikejaeger@gmail.com>

 **to** : “Armin Arlert” <blondywiththebrains@gmail.com>

 **date** : 8 – 11 - 2013

 **subject** : Re:Re:WHATCHU DOIN WITH HORSEFACE NOW ARMIN?!

 **mailed-by** : gmail.com

 

Oh, so that’s what they call it nowadays? A STUDY DATE, HAH!

 **from** : “Armin Arlert” <blondywiththebrains@gmail.com>

 **to** : “Eren Jaeger” <moveslikejaeger@gmail.com>

 **date** : 8 – 11 - 2013

 **subject** : Re:Re:Re WHATCHU DOIN WITH HORSEFACE NOW ARMIN?!

 **mailed-by** : gmail.com

Eren are you being serious? Jean’s YOUR archenemy. You’re just too pissy he beat you in Black Ops 2 last LAN-party. Please get that giant pole out of your anus or I will tell Annie you have pictures on your phone where she’s changing in her PE clothes.

And stop assuming I’m gay.

 **from** : “Eren Jaeger” <moveslikejaeger@gmail.com>

 **to** : “Armin Arlert” <blondywiththebrains@gmail.com>

 **date** : 8 – 11 - 2013

 **subject** : Re:Re:Re:Re: WHATCHU DOIN WITH HORSEFACE NOW ARMIN?!

 **mailed-by** : gmail.com

You’re an ass.

THAT HURT OKAY! I THOUGHT WE WERE TIGHT! WE WERE BROS ARMIN! WE TOOK A BLOODAOTH IN PRIMARY SCHOOL SWEARING ETERNAL BRO-SHIP! AND NOW YOU GO AROUND THROWING SUCH THINGS BACK IN MY FACE, WELL I’M GOING TO WALLOW IN SELF-PITY AND DON’T DARE TO MAIL ME BACK.

 **from** : “Armin Arlert” <blondywiththebrains@gmail.com>

 **to** : “Eren Jaeger” <moveslikejaeger@gmail.com>

 **date** : 8 – 11 - 2013

 **subject** : Eren…

 **mailed-by** : gmail.com

Wanna go for some KFCs? My treat?

 **from** : “Eren Jaeger” <moveslikejaeger@gmail.com>

 **to** : “Armin Arlert” <blondywiththebrains@gmail.com>

 **date** : 8 – 11 - 2013

 **subject** : Re: Eren…

 **mailed-by** : gmail.com

… Yeah. I’ll be there in 5.

-

“Can you please just forget about it?”

“… So you were just studying with him?”

Armin sighed as it had been about the tenth time since we got into KFC I asked him that. I just kept staring at him until I would think he actually told me the truth – meanwhile nibbling away on my hot & spicy wings.

“You sure you want to know?”

“Myes.”

“Okay first of all, you know Jean and I are in the same algebra class, second of all.. why do you think I would want to lose my virginity to him?” Armin rested his head  on his hands, looking at how I devoured a whole family bucket.

“I thought you were going to _do da do_ last night, and suddenly horse face just disappeared!”

“I’m just helping him with algebra.”

“That’s all?

“That’s all.”

I still didn’t quite believe him, he has this power to outsmart you easily and you won’t even notice. I eyed him suspiciously, but in the end gave up on it. It must’ve been my lively imagination playing with me.

“How are things with Annie?” He asked.

“She blocked me on Whatsapp.” I said.

Then Armin laughed at me for about ten minutes straight.

I need to look for new friends.


	3. FUCK MY LIFE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erwin tries, Eren tries. Everybody tries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god you guys, there I thought I could update every 2 days and then I decided to come down with the flu! I'm a coughing and sneezing mess right now.. Hope you will enjoy this one, gawd I still can't believe you guys like this. I love you all.

On a morning Principal Smith decided to do the morning announcements in Armin’s place. We hardly ever saw him outside his stuffy office on the first floor, though Mr. Levi seemed to stop by pretty often..

He usually only spoke on the entering ceremonies at the start of the year – but then again I usually fall asleep during those – so it was weird to suddenly hear his voice coming from the intercom.

“Students of Trost High, this is your Principal speaking. Usually Armin Arlert  provides you with the morning announcements, which he does perfectly well, yet today I would like to delight you all with some messages from yours truly!” There was a pause. “As you may all know I don’t walk around often yet I still want you to understand that whenever you’re coping with some problems you can _always_ come to me. I’m not just your principal, but I’m also your friend. Your _pal_. Get it? Princi-PAL, huh?!” Suddenly his voice was muffled – “Damnit Levi stop saying it’s not funny!” – some coughing “ANYWAYS. I am here, as your princi _PAL_. That is all.”

There were some sounds of rummaging and Principal Smith arguing with Levi until a rather flustered Armin took the lead again and told there would be pizza for lunch.

-

 **Program** : Skype

 **Name of conversation** : The Miley Cyrus fanbase  
 **Participants within software** : moveslikejaeger1, mikasaack, blondiewiththebrains, freckled-jesus, reinerdawarrior, hoover60, C_springer, potatoqueen, Historia

 **Participants online:** moveslikejaeger1(away), mikasaack, blondiewiththebrains(do not disturb), freckled-jesus, reinerdawarrior, Cspringer  
 **Date** : 11-11-2013 18:35

 

 **Reinerdawarrior:** so I was scold at by Mr Levi again.

 **C_springer** : ain’t that about the… idk, 10th time this week?

 **Reinerdawarrior:** you’re actually counting?

 **C_springer:** dude I know these things.. I know these things actually because Sasha tells when whatever happens in your class.

 **Mikasaack** : why am I not surprised?

 **C_springer** : You see, we’ve got this thing going on where just a single look suffices. And that is how you have telepathic contact.

 **Freckled-jesus** : WOW that’s totally cool!

 **Mikasaack:** He’s telling loads of bully Marco don’t fall for it.

 **C_springer:** Wait, I will prove you Sasha and I communicate telepathically! BEHOLD FOR I WILL SEND HER BRAINWAVES THAT TELL HER TO COME ONLINE RIGHT…. NOW!

_Potatoqueen is online._

 

 **Potatoqueen** : WHATUP?

 **Freckled-jesus:** omg it worked.

 **C_Springer** : I TOLD YOU WE HAD TELEPATHIC POWERS

 **potatoqueen** : I TOLD YOU WE HAD TELEPATHIC POWERS

 **freckled-jesus:** OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH

 **Reinerdawarrior:** OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!

 **Mikasaack:** you guys are insane.

 **C_springer** : Mikasa honestly you need to loosen up a little at times! Have some fun, do some weird stuff!

 **Reinerdawarrior:** Nothing bad about that!

 **Moveslikejaeger:** guys you don’t understand

 **Moveslikejaeger:** There’s no way she will do that

 **Moveslikejaeger:** she’s allergic to fun

 **Freckled-jesus:** ehh Eren I don’t think that’s a nice thing to say…

 **Moveslikejaeger:** c’mon, you all know that’s true. Try to deny it!

 

_Reinerdawarrior, c_springer, potatoqueen, freckled-jesus are now offline._

**Mikasaack:** You’re a dick Eren.

-

 

To make it up to Mikasa because of the “horrible” things I said Armin forced me to take her out that night.

Isn’t it weird taking your sister out? I mean sure she’s an adopted sister but still she’s my sister which makes things incredibly awkward. Mikasa is everything but a talkative person which just makes me no sense to me as I tend to just rant on about things and there’s Mikasa who I just can’t have a normal conversation with because she says absolutely NOTHING that could turn out to a full-pledged conversation and even IF I try to get into something that look like a conversation I just end up talking the most and that will probably bore Mikasa out of her mind and I don’t want that to happen.

Anyways.

I know Mikasa likes to go to the park. So I took her there.

It was awful. We were just sitting on one of those park benches. Then suddenly some hobo pops up out of nowhere and yelled at us to get off of his “house”. When he said we didn’t want to he attacked me, he even left teeth marks on my arms as he threatened to eat me.

In the end Mikasa hit him knock-out.

And this Is why I don’t like hanging out with Mikasa on my own because these sorts of situations make me look like a complete and utter pussy. I can fight, but Mikasa just _always_ has to jump in _whenever_ I’m about to give them a lefter..

Sucks to be me, I guess.

So after the whole hobo-incident we decided to just walk home because heck why would two teenagers wonder around on the streets at 1 am anyway? On a week-night that is.

And simply nothing happened.

Back home I found Jean already asleep, so I sneaked up in our bunk bed – not wanting him to know I was out until this late – and I thought about the things that had happened the past few days.

And that was the time I decided to make my life better, I would start studying, actually pay attention during class.. maybe properly apologize to Annie. And maaaaaaybe even try to be nice to Jean from then on.

Yes, tomorrow would be a better day.

-

**Google Docs. V.10.1 – Auto-save activated**

** 004 FUCK MY LIFE – November 15, 2013 - - 03:49 AM **

FUCK

FUCK.

**_FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK@#%^ &*@($*#*_$#Y$#&*#+_ **

Oh my god.

I told you I was going to try harder at life right? Well.

It all started when I got up that morning after I took Mikasa to the park and that hobo bit my arm and stuff. (Coming to think of it that guy must’ve had rabies or something.. ugh infected!) anyways. Everything was going well, I was actually paying attention, even in the classes I don’t even like.

I even invited Jean for a game of black ops after school!

So eventually people started to see that I was actually trying to do a bit better, be a little nicer to people and such. Heck, even Annie forgave me after I apologized! So the gang and I decided to go out, no biggy I thought at first as we usually went out to the same old club. So we went there, got some shots (And Jean and I actually didn’t get into a fist fight over the last shot) and got the party started.

It was a crazy night.. a damn crazy night.

Normally I don’t remember SHIT when I’m like loaded. And it seemed like I just.. I really don’t know.

It went like this;

Annie and I were just like, dancing. Hitting it off pretty well. The music was getting me in one of those hallucinating states where I just let my body do its thing. Oh and it was doing things – damn good things! My body was gracefully grinding against hers – I could feel all her good parts y’know? Like, she wore this rather revealing dress CUZ SHE KNOWS SHE GOT THE STUFF. She was totally going for me.

So eventually after a while she said that she had to go for a while, girl stuff basically as she pulled Mikasa off to the toilets. I never get why girls do that though.

While I waited I just got myself another beer. Beer is good. Mhnn. I can still taste it pretty much…

Oh fuck.

Oh fuck.

I suddenly realized

Why I am telling this.

I’m so screwed..

Annie stayed away for a damn long time so I decided to go look for her. Someone told me she was outside getting some air since she wasn’t feeling well or something. Don’t even know who told me that. So I went outside, and by the time my vision was fucking with me since the lights of the venue had totally fucked my eyes – heck I was wearing shutter-shades what do you expect?

So in my drunken state, wearing glowing wristbands and shutter-shades, I pulled the first small person that looked remotely like Annie – whining something in the lines that I wanted to bone her.

Smooth criminal.

Well it would’ve been funny. If it wasn’t for the fact that I pulled “her” in this hella sloppy kiss that even a bulldog would do better at.

It was weird kissing “her” as she tasted of smoke. She didn’t smoke.

And suddenly

Suddenly I wanted to die.

“What the hell,… Jaeger?!”

The way this person called my name had a familiar ring to it.. And when I finally realized that it wasn’t Annie I kissed… I took my shutter-shades off…

Mr Levi was standing right in front of me. Pissed off.

To make things worse than kissing my teacher.. I puked over his _Elentni_ shoes. How do I know which shoes he wears? I have to the logo imprinted on my cheek now.

I just want my life to end right now.

It’s time to sell my soul to Satan.

Hell here I come.

I’m just going to sleep and hope this was all a joke. A nightmare. I wouldn’t mind there.

FML.


	4. Going rodeo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren has a tough time getting over the incident at the club the other day. And Levi's getting tired of Erwin's shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I just recovered from my cold and I'm damn tired. This chapter isn't remotely as funny as I wanted it to be but because I'm so tired my humour is pretty much nowhere to be found. I promise next one will be more worthy of your time than this one will ever be.
> 
> I do think of Erwin as a mindless pervert. Yes. 
> 
> And on the serious note I'm actually working on something like a serious fanfiction. It will be out at the end of the week probably!

I was never great at waking up after a night out. There were various reasons for that;

  1. I am not a morning person
  2. Mornings don’t like me either
  3. I puked over Mr. Levi’s expensive shoes
  4. I might have kissed him
  5. I try to forget everything that happened.



But things weren’t that easy for sure, and he surely would hunt me down! If it weren’t for the shoes I had wrecked to complete ruin, he would have me for the kiss.

Ever since I got back in bed I had been pondering, pondering and pondering if this had been just a mirage. That I’d actually just kissed a random stranger. Yet a stranger wouldn’t know my name let alone my surname.

With a frustrated grunt I got myself out of bed, hurrying down for some breakfast. Mikasa just threw me a weird look when I forced liters of coffee down my throat before even complaining about the morning sun being too bright.

I dreaded going to school, who went out on a Thursday night anyway?! Fridays were supposed to be fun, why didn’t we go out on a Friday night instead like normal people do.

I’m still on the look for new friends as we speak.

To make things worse, and yes they could get worse, I was called to the principal’s office first in the morning. Erwin Smith could be strict, I mean I’ve seen him do this thing with his eyes where he could make a pupil squirm uncomfortably and the next moment he was smiling at me calling out a chipper “Good morning!” – Talking about being two-faced.

Anyways, the principal’s office. Honestly I’d never gotten in real big trouble so this one of those numerous times I could count on just one of my hands that I was called in. I was sweating, sweating as much as Berthold before PE class even started.

We had this weird eye-contact thing going on, his sharp eyes piercing right through me as if he was already scolding me in his mind. I was waiting for that one blow, that little push that would warm him up. He could spew at me any minute, rip my head off and feed it to his two German Shepherds (They were utterly adorable on the picture standing on Smith’s desk though so I wasn’t completely sure if I minded, on second thought.)

“Levi told me you’ve ruined his shoes last night. Is that true?”

 I could feel my heart clench in my chest – he was _not_ talking about a kiss.. not .. about a kiss. Okay, okay good. I let my muscles relax a little and uttered a blunt “Yes.” To his question.

“Were you out drinking?”

“Yes.”

“On a weekday?”

“Yes.”

“And you actually _vomited_ on Levi’s shoes?”

I paused, for dramatic effect. The pace of his interrogation was getting o my nerves either way. “Yes sir.” I said in a deep breath, welp there it was. I was bracing myself for the worst. Drinking as a minor was something, but fucking up Levi’s Italian branded shoes was much like a first-degree murder around this school.

Mr Smith remained silent for what seemed ages, I couldn’t deal with silences, so I let a breathy: “Soo….” Slip past my lip in the hope he would feel obliged to continue.

He didn’t.

“Eh.. sir? Shouldn’t I go back to cla-“

“I knew it.”

He finally decided to speak up at the most unexpected moment possible which made me jump about an inch off my chair. I couldn’t stand his unexpected behaviour, the way he had his hands folded and pressed to his nose – as if in deep thought. His hilariously large eyebrows knitted together.

Out of nowhere, in an explosion of movement, Erwin Smith pushed the button of his phone. “Petra,” He spoke through the horn. “Tell Levi he owes me 20 bucks.”

In the end I found out Levi an the principal had put up a wager; Levi strongly believed I would talk myself out of it, instead I had been dead-honest which won Erwin Smith a full 20-dollar bill at the end of the day.

** - **

** Old men on Whatsapp part 1 **

**Program:** Whatsapp

 **Participants within software:** Erwin Smith, Levi

 **Date:** 15-11-2013

 **Erwin:** So as I was saying, he totally thought I was going to eat him alive any second. He was pissing himself LITTERALY. You should’ve seen it to believe it.

 **Levi:** Erwin please can we just stop about that and focus on what’s really important here?

 **Erwin:** You’re such a buzzkill, but please tell me I’m _all_ ears.

 **Levi:** Buy me new Elentnis.

 **Erwin:** Aren’t you being a little too hopeful?

 **Levi:** I told you I was still gaining up on that favour from last time.

 **Levi** : Which of course includes the blowjob after work hours if I’m not mistaken.

 **Levi:** But honestly, buy me new Elentnis.

 **Erwin:** In exchange I want you to actually _wear_ what I buy for you for a _reason_

 **Levi:** Now you’re the one being too hopeful.

 **Erwin:** Worth a shot.

-

 

Annie came over the other day. She looked upset about something I would highly doubt I would be interested in. Yet Mikasa had thought me that the way to a girl’s heart was through undeniable dedication when it came to discussing their problems.

I pretended to listen while I beat Jean in another round of Black Ops 2.

She kept prompting that we _“Really needed to talk **”**_ But all I could do was throw a fit about Jean’s unfear headshot trick he pulled on me without regarding how I would feel about this betrayal.

Annie left as soon as she came, clearly seeing I wasn’t going to work with her for that day. And I regretted it the moment I lie in my bed forcing my hand down my pants for good measure. About nine out of ten times the “fuel” for my libido would either be Annie (minus the nose) and the porn I’d watched before I felt like jacking it.

Unfortunately it was one of those times, that one out of ten where I had something on my mind that disturbed me so much that the intensity of my orgasm was twice as good and twice as much.

I imagined Mr Levi’s voice spewing the exact same dirty talk the girl in the porn I’d seen only minutes prior.

He looks hot in my daydreams. He really does.

His hair disheveled, pupils dilated.. lips around my rock hard di--- oooooooh shit.

I completely freaked out until my sanity came back to me and realized I’d just used my teacher, who mindlessly hated me by now, as imagery for my lust.

….

…

..

.

I secretly wondered if he actually took it up the ass like that.

There had been a rumour going around the school that Mr. Levi had been into rather shady business before becoming a teacher. I’d never believed those as they all included the same thing, which was sex.

And there had been _another_ rumour he’d been Erwin Smith’s bed partner on occasion.

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to believe those things really. Adults were weird to me. All they did was nag and have sex while clearly there was no romance in their relationship as they were back when they were young.

Heck I didn’t even want to know about my own parents conceiving me.

But back to the actual problem where I had jerked off thinking about Mr. Levi. Of course my friends had found out about my escapade at the party the night before and had given me a clear piece of their mind. They all agreed that on scale from 1 to 10, I was basically a 15, which meant completely screwed.

I dread  facing Mr. Levi in class on Monday.. I’m writing my will as we speak.

-

 

** Old men on Whatsapp part 2 **

**Program:** Whatsapp

 **Participants within software:** Erwin Smith, Levi

 **Date:** 17-11-2013

 **Erwin:** Levi,  it’s pale, hard and it fits right in your mouth?

 **Levi:** I swear to God Erwin if you’re talking about your dick I’m going to personally castrate you.

 **Erwin:** .. I just wanted to tell you that I’m having Daikon for dinner tomorrow. You don’t have to act like such a dick.

 **Levi:** Let me tell you something Erwin. In the 15 years I’ve known you we’ve had this weird relationship going on where I occasionally go rodeo on you. You’ve had me dressed up in the weirdest and most disgusting outfits to get your pecker up for game – highly against my will. And you’re telling me that after all that I’m not allowed to act like a “dick” because I thought you were telling me one of your disgusting puns.

 **Erwin:** Oh I can just imagine how you’d say that to my face in that new sailor outfit I bought off of ebay this morning.

 **Levi:** Go the fuck to sleep Erwin I swear to GOD.

 


End file.
